archangelofomega:

Patchin’ It Through

“How does James…? …Never mind, not important.

“Oh I’m sure you wish you could calibrate as good as I do, Joker. I’ll leave it at that because discussing your sex life isn’t something I really want to do.

“I think the worst part of the simplification of scanning was the fact that our scanners seemingly attracted Reapers to come towards us. Spirits, and thanks to Shepard being so helpful on the Citadel, the probability of us dying went up. Just when I thought when there was no possible way for it to go up, it went up more. Shepard some how knows how to make the impossible, possible.”

-G

“I think it was only natural the Reapers were attracted. They’re big ships now, with big ship needs. And the Normandy is one fine-looking piece of ship. Unfortunately for them, my piloting skills is pretty akin to just playing hard to get when it comes to them. We flew around in the hull of one very naughty ship. 

I figure throwing us into death-sentence situations is just like a hobby to the Commander. We could make some serious money if we made a show on our lives. What new thing will almost kill the Normandy’s crew this week? Could have just spent our time in bliss like everyone else, feeding fluffy rabbits and dismissing the claim of the Reapers. Don’t think we would have lasted as long as we did, but at least we could have gotten you a rabbit to take home. And, you know, calibrate.”

-Joker

archangelofomega:

“You know, if it were anybody else, I would say how it’s hard to accomplish anything while sitting all day, but for you… well, some how you make sitting on your ass exciting, even if you can break a bone with one bad cough. Or hard seat.

“Typically I don’t care about how other people handle their love lives, but since you’re dating EDI, I just… no, you know what, I won’t even get into that. That’s too dirty.

“The Alliance wouldn’t give you a leather seat when you originally asked for it, so getting a medal for you is probably out of their budget. Or maybe they’re scared that when you pick it up, you’ll break a finger. They could be worried about your well-being.”

-G

“No hard seats here, thankfully, though I heard the Commander’s bed is a different story from James. I don’t really have to worry about that, however. 

I’m sure you’d like to know all about EDI and I, wouldn’t you? Like how I update the firmware through her backdoor. Using the user interface to patch RAM errors with hard discs. Cooling down the systems after it’s all done. Yeah. No calibrations, though. I’m sure that’s what you were waiting for.

Besides, if they don’t want to buy a medal, I could probably find some extra stuff to melt down. We have all those spare metals from when we were scanning just going to waste. Luckily, the scanning itself was just the best part in its own right. That was the most fun thing we have ever done. I just wish it was as tedious as it was before. Simplifying it was horrible of the Alliance to do to our scanners. I might file a complaint.”

-Joker

“Obviously the only thing broken so far is my heart for not seeing you so long, Garrus. Never mind these fractured ribs. This, quite obviously, is the only real wound. Though I suppose aside from minor pain, I’m great now. I was tired of sitting around all day to run tests. Now I can go back to doing what I love. Y’know, sitting. But with leather cushioning. And of course I haven’t gotten in to trouble! You all should learn to trust me. I mean, sure, there was the time the Commander got blown up, and then when the Collectors stole everyone, but other than that my track record is pretty solid. Though the Alliance still won’t give me a medal for anything, so, maybe I have it about even?” -Joker